Twenty-five days of Christmas: Day #11

Chocolates

Christmas is a time for chocolate. If your family was anything like mine, you had boxes and boxes for every type of candy laying around the house. My parents were very up-to-date on chocolate trends and they always bought the varieties their three wise boys loved best; however, guests of the house were not always as savvy. As a child, I thought I could rank how much somebody loved my family by the price point and deliciousness of the candy they would be-gift us. I figured the old adage of “it’s the thought that counts” didn’t apply because there is virtually no thought put into buying 50 boxes of Pot of Golds and giving them to EVERYone at Christmas. I also used to think it was odd when an adult would give me, a little kid, a box of chocolates. It filled my heart with holiday rage. Here is the ranking, as best as I can remember it (from true love to true loathe):

Ferrero Rocher

If you were up on what the Zayshley family really liked around the holiday season, you would have given us Ferrero Rocher chocolates and you would have been genuinely thanked for it. We continue to devour them at any chance we get. The tally would be in the thousands, I’m sure. Who doesn’t love these hazelnut confections? Sometimes when we’re feeling very elegant and fancy we will even eat Raffaellos. I used to imagine they were what Liz Taylor would have eaten at Christmas in her all-white bedroom. 

Lindt

Lindt chocolates come in a close second to Ferrero Rochers. Even as a child I knew these ones were pricey and indeed very tasty — the quality of the chocolate blew the other brands out of the water. Anybody who would spend this type of money on my family would have been a class act indeed. (I highly doubt anyone did, though.) Thankfully my dad’s pockets were deep when it came to season’s eatings so we never went without. My favorite were the milk chocolate variety. Any responsible adult would have cut me off — in the 5th grade I played Johann, a young boy who is visited by Christkindl and learns the true meaning of Christmas. I was growing my hair out from a perm and had to wear capri pants. I do remember I gave a tour de force performance, but I was chubby!

Toblerone

I don’t remember when my family first discovered the novelty and heavenly flavour of Toblerone, but we were avid fans ever since. We often used it as the chocolate in our epic fondue parties. I miss that! I think I am going to organize a doozy of a fondue this Christmas and use Toblerone in it. The triangular shape was always a dead giveaway when it was wrapped up. 

Turtles

I used to love Turtles — their ranking would be higher up on this list if it wasn’t for their price point. (I’m factoring how much people had to spend on us AND how much I liked the candy for this list.) That freaky mascot didn’t even deter me from enjoying these brilliant candies. I’m a huge fan of caramel and chocolate! Luckily, for several years this was one of the most popular varieties of gifted chocolates, so even if they weren’t as expensive as Lindt or Ferrero Rocher, I would appreciate them and hold the giver in relatively high regard. BUT... I think that the makers of Turtles use different chocolate now. Inferior chocolate. I can’t even stomach the modern version.

Toffifee

These things are addictive! And I love them, but, like Turtles, as a child I considered them to be a cheap gift. I was very cut-throat back then. Sorry to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s the truth.

After Eight Mints

Ok, now we’re getting into murky territory. Anyone who thought preteen children would enjoy chocolate covered mints was delusional. Sure, I enjoy the flavour combination now, but as an overweight tween this was pure rubbish. I would have given you the cold shoulder all evening if this was what you brought our family. And I wasn’t subtle.

Pot of Gold, various varieties

Could the Pot of Gold line of chocolates be any less exciting? Even Turtles had a creepy gentlemanly mascot, but these chocolates were BO-RING. The only excitement was trying to pick the least disgusting flavour from the guide — chocolate covered brazil nuts? Are you kidding me? Lemon centres? I’m sorry, I can’t even write about this without getting angry.

Queen Anne Chocolate Covered Cherries

Truth be told, Queen Annes are — and always have been — my FAVORITE chocolate of the holiday season. But even as a child I knew that I only represented about 0.5% of the population who actually liked these things. And I also knew that I might have been the only kid in Canada who ate them willingly. So, intellectually I knew that, while I was happy to receive them as a gift, the person who was giving them was so out of touch with trends and what was cool that I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. Oh yeah, and these chocolates were $1.99 at Zellers, so I knew nobody was breaking the bank to buy them for us, either.

Quality Street

This is a vying for last place. There was something about receiving a tin of Quality Street chocolates that always depressed me. They never seemed to be fresh and the presentation was geared towards senior citizens. But I think I have pinpointed the main reason why I dislike them so much: Since nobody ate them right away (who would eat Quality Street chocolates when there were Lindts in the house?), they would still around when it was time to go back to school. So I associate Quality Street chocolates with school and January, the most depressing month of the year.

Liquorice Allsorts, various brands

How could any sane person stand in the aisle at Shoppers and stock up on allsorts liquorices as their gift of choice during the holiday season? This is your chance to get some browning points with other families and relatives, not solidify your positions as the crustiest person on the face of the earth. I have to admit that as an adult I really love these things, but as a kid. They were. The worst. Candy. Ever. Made. I used to wish the person who gave my family a tin of Bassett’s would just give us the cash instead (cut throat). Wow, I just looked at the box and realized there is an allsorts mascot, too. He’s no turtle, but at least they’re trying. But are they aiming this product at adults or kids? Maybe chimney sweeps in Victorian era England would have gobbled them up, but I might have even started to cry if I were to open up a present on Christmas Eve hoping it was a toy or at very least Ferrero Rochers to only find a tin of Bassett’s Allsorts in my hands.

I know that was a Dr. Phil-style portrayal of my thoughts on chocolates. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. What are your most loved and most despised Christmas chocolates?